Ask Sahaj: My boyfriend’s religious parents ‘freak out’ when he brings me up

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Q: My boyfriend is a second-generation Brown boy whom I have been dating for many years, and we are in our late 20s/early 30s. His parents are practicing Muslims who returned to the faith later in life; their children were not raised very religious. They have voiced regrets about not raising their children to be more religious, about moving to America at all and, generally, that their son is losing touch with their roots. Enter stage right: White, freckled girlfriend of their oldest son – me!

They have only met me once. I have begged for more face time with them, but when my boyfriend asks, they freak out and we let it die down in the interest of keeping the peace. I periodically feel frustrated with him for it not happening, but, short of wrestling them into the car, I have no solutions.

Now, my boyfriend is moving in with me, and we have to tell them. They are going to hate this, generally, but also because they are maintaining a ruse that we have not slept together before marriage.

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I am kind of at a loss. I feel for them: They feel like their son occupies a world they don’t (for several reasons); they really are worried about his distance from their religion; and they are terrified their grandchildren will have “White names” (in one of their fights, this was oddly a sticking point).

My boyfriend and I don’t want to negotiate the terms of our life with them, but I would like to get to know them and talk to them more and generally think that could lower the stress level in our lives. I also am fine with lying to them about some things. My parents are not mired in all the same cultural traditions, but they are in some, and I lie to them regularly about drinking, how often my boyfriend sleeps over, etc.

Do you have any tips on smoothing this? He loves his parents, and they love him, and he and I love each other. There must be a way to thread this needle.

– Too White

A: You are frustrated. You want to get to know your boyfriend’s parents. But what does your boyfriend want and feel?

Does he feel frustrated by this too? He loves his parents, but does he feel like he has a close or intimate relationship with them? What fears or anxieties, specifically, does he have about moving in together? As a couple, you’ll have to look to each other to help find solutions and navigate this, but right now, it’s not clear where he stands on all of this and how that compares to where you are. It’s possible there’s a difference in needs or desires, and that should be addressed. Just because you’re on board with keeping the peace with his parents doesn’t mean you should keep the peace in your relationship if it means withholding how you really feel. Remember: You can be kind, generous and understanding, while also being firm and honest.

It’s possible your boyfriend’s parents won’t ever make the move to get to know you. If they are getting away with not having to confront this relationship that they wouldn’t have chosen for him, then why not continue to avoid and live in denial of it? My Indian parents denied my relationship with a White man was real until I firmly declared it was serious. It took time, but my being more open and forthright about how important my partner was, how happy he made me and how he did not take me away from my cultural roots slowly helped them get on board. It’s possible your boyfriend’s parents are waiting for him to initiate.

What happens next is dependent on your boyfriend’s relationship with his parents and what he’s willing to do about it. No matter how much you want to take the reins here, it’s not up to you. You can encourage him to be more honest and open with his parents, and you can support him in getting professional help to work through how this is impacting him personally and with his family. You can even decide together on smaller next steps that can help you feel more included. This may look like having him let you say hi when he’s on the phone with his parents, or him mentioning you more instead of keeping the relationship separate. It may even look like nurturing relationships with his siblings and focusing on his family that way. Regardless, the only thing you can really control and decide is what you are okay with and willing to tolerate, and how you communicate and support your boyfriend. You may also have to adjust your expectations of what you are going to get from his parents right now as your boyfriend figures out his next steps.

Right now, I am sensing a lot of conflict avoidance from both of you, and I get it. Why make something more complicated than it already is? Why ruin a good thing with your relationship by focusing on his parents? You both may have been prioritizing keeping the peace, but you and your boyfriend are about to rock that boat by moving in together. This inevitably means something will have to change. Either you build a bigger lie around this milestone, or your boyfriend can use it as an inroad to communicate how serious the relationship is for him.

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