Ask Sahaj: ‘I want to be with the person I love, but I can’t bear the shame.’

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Dear Sahaj: Where do I go? I’m stuck at a cultural crossroads. I’m a 32-year-old woman, and I live with my Pakistani immigrant parents. I want to move out on my own, and I’ve tried (three times!) to do so. I got an opportunity to move in with my boyfriend. But I can’t live with him until we’re married, and he knows that (we’re from the same culture). He is opposed to marriage philosophically since it’s unromantic and too political in brown culture.

To make matters worse, we live in the same city, but his place is too far from my work, so that means I would need a new job even if I had the guts to move. We’ve been separated for a while and our relationship has suffered. I’ve tried moving on romantically so that maybe I can find a person to marry. I simply can’t do it.

My family nags me and criticizes me endlessly since I’m the eldest daughter. One of my younger sisters is the model daughter (married doctor and new mom) while the other ran away and went no contact. I can’t run away because what will people say? And my parents have made it hard for me to have my own life; staying unmarried this long has been a constant challenge over the last seven years.

I want to be with the person I love, but I can’t bear the shame that might bring on me. I don’t know what my next move (literal or figurative) in life should be.

– Stuck in the Middle

Stuck in the Middle: You feel helpless because you’re focused on what you can’t control – what others think of you, how your parents treat you, that your ex doesn’t want to get married. It’s time to shift that focus to what you can control and break yourself out of the all-or-nothing mindset in which you are currently trapped.

Be honest with yourself about what you want. Do you even want to get married? If yes, do you want to marry your ex because it feels like the next, right step in your relationship? Or because it will get you out of your parents’ house? You said you “tried moving on so you can find a person to marry,” which makes me wonder if you are just looking for anyone who will do so you can get your parents off your back and move on to the next “step” in your life?

As a daughter of Indian immigrants, I know how difficult it can be to make room for yourself when there’s so much pressure and shame around doing things “late” or “out of order.” But the fear of what other people will say is keeping you from even knowing yourself. The harsh truth is people probably talk now, they will probably talk tomorrow, they will probably talk regardless of what you do next. Accepting this may liberate you from this belief that there’s one path that can protect you from other people’s judgments. Wanting to do good by your parents, or community, and finding pride in making them happy is not inherently bad; however, excessive approval seeking is just reinforcing your lack of self-trust. Spend more time alone with your own thoughts (perhaps with a culturally inclusive therapist) to understand your feelings and needs. And practice differentiating your sense of self from others in digestible ways – like daily affirmations, taking up a hobby, or nurturing a support system outside the house to help you feel more independent.

Right now, there are core beliefs about what it means to be a “good daughter” or a “good Pakistani woman” that are holding you back. But there may be alternative ways to live that don’t mean you are “bad” as a daughter. You may realize that you want to focus on yourself – not on getting married. Whatever it is, breaking your goals down into smaller ones can help you feel a sense of agency in deciding what to do next. For instance, if your main goal is to be with your boyfriend, you’ll want to first figure out if his beliefs about marriage are a dealbreaker to you – not your parents. If it’s actually to move out of your parents’ house, then you can start building up your financial reserves to live on your own and begin considering where you’d want to live.

Once you reflect on what you want, you can think about having a conversation with your parents. Often parents want what is best for their kids, and their version of “best” may look a little different; they sometimes need some hand-holding to understand your version of “best.” Be vulnerable and honest with them about how unhappy you are. If you decide you want to be with your boyfriend, find ways to introduce him to them. I know these conversations can feel countercultural but you can even name that: “It’s hard for me to have this conversation with you because I really care about what you think. I’m not happy, and I’ve realized that [X] is something that I want. Can I share what I’ve been thinking so we can talk about it?” This can open up a conversation about their fears and your plans with a focus on how important maintaining the relationship is to you.

At the very least, it can give you clarity on their willingness to support you despite your different choices. After all, if your parents’ love for you is fragile enough to be taken away because you want something different – yet not harmful to you or them – it poses much deeper, painful questions about your relationship with them. This may mean grieving the relationship and being honest about what – if at all – a relationship with them can look like moving forward.

I sense an urgency to do something – anything – to change your situation. But without self-awareness, this may also lead to making the wrong next move for you. As you try to figure out where to go – figuratively and literally – consider going inward. You know yourself better than anyone.