Ask Sahaj: Do I need to accept mom’s critical comments as ‘just the culture’?

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Dear Sahaj: My immigrant mother always says offhand things that can be incredibly hurtful. Some examples include, “Your friend owns two houses, why is he so successful and you only own one house?” or, “You’re stupid for voting for the other candidate,” “You look like a terrorist, shave your beard,” or even, “Your son is so cute now that his skin isn’t as tan.”

When I ask her not to say those things, she still does it, sometimes doubling down. She has admitted that sometimes she says hurtful things to get a rise out of me. When I try to confront her, she then tells me that I don’t love her. I tried multiple times and multiple ways of asking her to stop. The more firm I was, with boundaries, the angrier she got. And the last time I confronted her, she told me to never talk to her again.

I’m tired of trying. I don’t deserve this. With a therapist who’s Westernized, I’ve grown to accept that I don’t have to accept this. I don’t have to keep coming back and looking for an apology or for my boundary to finally be respected.

That being said, most of my siblings now believe I’m a villain, and no matter how I explain things, “I just need to let it go” or “this is just the culture.”

Any advice for me in this situation? I feel like I’m the crazy one for not being able to brush off the disrespect.

– Enough

Enough: It’s okay that your tolerance for your mom’s behavior is different from your siblings. You are not the same people. Even more, I imagine having a child adds another layer of context as to why this is unacceptable for you. It’s one thing for you to learn how to handle this, and it’s another for your son to have to.

Just because your siblings are willing to tolerate your mom’s actions and words “in the name of culture” doesn’t mean you have to. You are being made to feel crazy because you are no longer prioritizing group harmony, a priority in an immigrant or collectivist household. You’re the only one who doesn’t want to pretend things are fine when they’re not. Consider whether it’s worth talking to one or any of your siblings privately and vulnerably. This may sound like: “I know we disagree on mom’s behavior, but when you tell me to ‘let it go,’ I feel like you, also, don’t care about what I am feeling. My relationship with you is important and I’d like to talk to you about how we can move forward.” If you continue to be dismissed, it may be time to consider how your engagement with them changes, just as you’re in the process of doing with your mom.

While not all immigrant parents are critical parents, it’s a very common dynamic I see in my work. Your mom could be critical for a variety of reasons: worry or preoccupation with saving face. Regardless of the reason, the impact is the same: At its best, the criticism just feels bad. And at its worst, it’s chipping away your sense of self. On top of that, your mom isn’t hearing your feelings, and instead she can only focus on what it feels like to her. People “double down” because they often want to protect their pride, and they are emotionally unable to receive uncomfortable and conflicting information about their behavior.

Only you can decide what you are willing to accept and how much more you are willing – if at all – to engage with your mom. Have you truly accepted that she may never acknowledge how she’s hurting, nor that she will ever stop criticizing you? What do you mean when you say you’re “tired of trying”? Does it mean you are done, and need to take some physical and emotional space from your mom? This may mean opting out, even if temporarily, of family gatherings or communication for a bit while you build up reserves to reenter the relationship (if at all). Or do you simply mean that you’re tired of trying the way you’ve been engaging with her and want to explore a new direction?

If you’re looking for new ways to engage with your mom, one exercise I do with clients is to have them figure out what their zone of comfort is. So draw a circle on a piece of paper and write down everything that feels good about the relationship. Include topics that are easy to talk about and activities that are loving and enjoyable. Outside of that circle, write down all the things that don’t feel good – her critical comments, specific topics, or anything else. Is there a way you can have a relationship with your mom within that zone of comfort?

Right now you are in a cycle of criticism-reaction-argument that you want to find a way to disrupt. This doesn’t mean abandon yourself – or your needs – to make your mom comfortable. But it may look like finding new ways to engage (zone of comfort), or momentarily disengage, to sustain the relationship (if you want). Disengaging doesn’t just mean leaving the relationship altogether – although this is your prerogative; rather, it means exiting the moment-to-moment hurtful interactions with your mom. For instance, next time she says something critical, try being neutral and responding with short answers or focusing on something else around you (learning grounding skills in therapy will be important here). Or try leaving the room or getting off the phone. This doesn’t change her behavior, but it allows you to stop exerting energy in ways that haven’t worked. Most importantly, it lets you set your limits and rules for engagement.

Ultimately, you have to decide what your terms are for the relationship moving forward. This will help you identify if you want to leave the relationship, maintain the relationship as it exists, or find ways to protect your wellness while navigating new ways to engage with your mom.