Ask Sahaj: After so many racist incidents, I’m afraid White people think I’m ugly

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Dear Sahaj: I have a hard time accepting that White people might find me physically attractive, from my face especially. I am not trying to earn the validation of beauty from White people, but I want to be a contender. I don’t want them to rule out that I could be beautiful due to my brown skin or hijab. I don’t feel you can have a true friendship without believing the other person is beautiful, as those you love always become beautiful to you.

I also want men to see me as an equal option like White women or any type of woman. Basically, I have a deep fear my brown skin and hijab will make me unattractive to other people. It’s not a huge deal if I don’t know the person, but I don’t want to have this struggle in my close relationships with White people; I want to trust they see my beauty and wholeness.

It’s natural to want to feel beautiful and accepted fully for who you are and like your identity markers won’t make you disgusting or icky in someone’s eyes. I’ve had so many bad experiences – like being told that South Asian noses look like rat noses in high school, or that I can’t be liked by boys because I’m too desi and too “covered” as a Muslim. I don’t see myself reflected as love interests in media. White people have said so many unkind and devaluing things to me that I feel they will always view me as inferior. My experiences have lodged these fears within me, even if I know intellectually they are not true. Please help.

– Beauty

Beauty: You need to accept that the messaging about beauty standards you’ve internalized is rooted in White supremacy and colonialism. These beauty standards don’t represent or reflect your skin color, your culture or your physical attributes. This is a much bigger issue regarding power, superiority and worthiness. Of course these standards are going to make you feel unattractive. They weren’t created for you; in fact, they are founded on a belief that you, me and other people of color are inferior because of our race.

That’s why healing from mainstream beauty standards is a radical act, and it starts with self-love.

I understand having previous experiences that reinforce beliefs that you are unattractive, but you use words like “icky” and “disgusting” that are harsh and riddled with shame. So that raises the question: What do you love about yourself? What factors, other than body image, contribute to your self-esteem? And how often do you spend actually telling yourself that you are worthy and beautiful? When I work with clients who struggle with these same feelings, I will ask them to spend time looking in a mirror every morning and saying nice things about themselves. This helps build self-compassion and reframe negative self-talk. After all, being able to affirm yourself has to come from within. No matter how much other people find you attractive or love you, if you don’t believe you are worthy, then it will never feel true.

Even more, decolonizing your beauty standards can come down to divesting your self-worth from “beauty” altogether. Believing someone is beautiful transcends physical appearance, so I encourage you to consider other qualities that you find beautiful, too. Maybe it’s confidence or being able to express unfiltered joy. Maybe it’s curiosity or a positive attitude. What makes you feel good about yourself? Focusing on these qualities can increase levels of self-esteem and, by default, can make you feel good about, and in, your body.

As you unlearn these Western ideals of beauty, I encourage you to explore ways to relish in your cultural and ethnic differences and feel pride in them. Maybe it’s finding ways to express yourself through style with your hijab or dress. Or maybe it’s expanding and diversifying your friend group (through local community or online ones like Brown Girl Therapy) to meet people who look like you. Or maybe it’s through being more intentional about your social media and media consumption. Thankfully, there’s increased representation in books and media that can help you detach from these standards imposed on you. These changes may also help you feel connected to where – and who – you come from.

Also, I wonder about you saying “true friendship” means “believing the other person is beautiful.” What do you mean by that? Do you really value your friends based on their external beauty, or is it – as I imagine – that you find your friends beautiful after getting to know and like them? I encourage you to challenge your idea of beauty in friendships. I also hear concern that even in your “close relationships” you don’t feel a sense of security or chemistry. What does it mean to you – specifically – to have your beauty and wholeness seen in these friendships? I wonder if you have specific needs that aren’t being met currently, causing you to feel poorly about yourself. If this is the case, this may require honest conversations about – and even a reevaluation of – your relationships.

Keep in mind that not everyone is going to think you are beautiful. And that’s okay! If people don’t give you a chance and have biases at first glance, that says way more about them than it does about you and your beauty.

Ultimately, I want you to remember: You deserve to feel beautiful and you are worthy – regardless of looking different from what you have been taught about beauty.