Advice column: Ask Sahaj: My husband gets frustrated when I try to help care for his mom

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Q: My mother-in-law, “Sally,” recently moved into an independent living facility in our hometown. My husband’s four siblings live several hours away and are not remotely helpful. All of her children have a good deal of resentment toward Sally based on the way she compared them to and pitted them against each other throughout their lives and the demands and expectations she has of them with respect to their treatment of her. So it is no surprise that none of them value their relationship with her.

Of course, my husband has been bearing the brunt of her “care” given geography, and it is wearing on him. He is increasingly frustrated with her – even the mention of her name raises his blood pressure. I want to help and did so in the first year or two that she was here, but often that would result in more frustration on his part. He felt guilty for my having to help, and Sally would often become angry that she was seeing me and not her son. She has also fabricated arguments with me on a few occasions – I think so she can force my husband into being the only one to spend time with her.

It has become an untenable situation; I want to help, but it seems to make it worse when I do. I also want my husband to be able to be with his mom without experiencing so much frustration and anger. I know therapy could help, but he is not interested in further adding to the time he spends on “mom” issues.

– Ticking Time Bomb

A: I sense that your primary frustration is with how little you’re able to help or ease the situation for your husband. And while you can’t do the work for your husband, you can, instead, separate what is yours to do while urging him to take care of himself.

This feels untenable because there are blurred lines between what is yours to do, what is his to do, and where you both can give and take a little to make the whole situation less taxing. In fact, your “overhelping” may be a way to manage your anxiety and helplessness, but it seems to be adding to your husband’s stress. Instead, get comfortable with the fact that you may not be able to fix or control this situation.

Your husband feels guilt when you step in because your actions contradict his belief that he and his siblings should be doing these things instead. You can encourage him to have difficult and honest conversations with his siblings about how being the primary caregiver is impacting him. This focuses less on their relationship with their mom and instead on how they may be able to support him. You may even consider directly asking your husband what he wants from you instead of assuming you know what he needs. This can prevent you from giving unsolicited advice or invalidating what he’s feeling.

And yes, therapy would probably be a useful tool for your husband, but if he’s resistant to it, there are other ways to self-care and de-stress. You can support his stress-management behaviors through words of encouragement and positive reinforcement. For instance, you can remind him that he used to love playing [enter hobby] and that he should consider taking it up again, or you can highlight how relaxed he seems after a day out with his buddy. Sometimes people just don’t want to be told what to do, but you can still support him as he figures it out himself.

You may want to explore other ways to interact with his mom that feel less demanding on you both. Maybe it’s setting up online games you can play with her from afar, like Words With Friends, or planning a monthly book club with her along with your husband’s siblings via Zoom. This can help infuse joy into the relationship you both have with her without it feeling so emotionally taxing for all of you. You may even want to schedule when you both talk about her care together so it’s integrated into your calendar and not something that drags on every day.

You also want to find ways to schedule time for each other so that your relationship isn’t primarily focused on his mom. How are you maintaining intimacy and connection with each other through this? How can you spend quality time together that doesn’t end up focusing on his family?

Nurturing your relationship with each other and your other loved ones can give you both a sense of balance and peace, which in turn can help you show up as healthier versions of yourself for his mom. After all, you can’t take care of anyone else when your own cups are empty.