Ask Sahaj: Mother-in-law hides her gay son’s husband from the extended family

- ADVERTISEMENT -

Q: I am getting increasingly frustrated with my husband’s immigrant parents. My brother-in-law, their son, is gay and has been married to a man for almost six years. Only a few members of the family know. For years, my MIL has been saying that she’s “not ready.” Meanwhile, their son seldom joins us for frequent, large family parties because his husband is still a secret.

My MIL is definitely the matriarch of this large South Asian family. Family members listen to her, seek her advice and are afraid of her to varying degrees. I think they would follow her lead in continuing to love her son – which she does!

Yes, my husband should take the lead here but what can he or I say? For additional context, I’m not South Asian and don’t share their religion, but I have been accepted so I know they can do this!

– Wants The Whole Family Together

A: I understand the impulse to want to step in and do something. And while I believe being an active ally is a tremendous and wonderful thing, you want to be mindful of stepping in to ease your own discomfort versus stepping in because it’s needed and would be appreciated. Did something happen to make this feel like a particularly pressing issue now after six years?

A good first step is for you and your husband to have an explicit conversation about this. Six years is a long time … long enough for there to be a status quo that has been accepted by each family member. Are you both on the same page about being frustrated and wanting to take action to help find a resolution to this issue? Even more, are you both ready? Wanting something to change and being ready to actively change something are two different things, and you want to be honest with your husband about where you are in this and feel out where he is. This may require many conversations about your husband’s relationship with his mom, concerns about speaking up, and more.

After talking to each other, consider reaching out to your brother-in-law together. Talk to him and his husband about how they’re doing and if there’s anything you and your husband can do to support them. Build and nurture that relationship with them if you haven’t already. It’s possible that your actions, or more so your inaction, are contributing to the issue and reinforcing their beliefs that the whole family accepts their being left out. It’s also likely they are on their own journey of navigating this dynamic and it may look differently for them; they may even be comfortable with how things are. Familiarize yourself with stories of South Asian folks coming out to their family so the burden isn’t on your brother-in-law to educate you. At the same time, be curious, consistent, and vocal about wanting to be supportive.

If you decide a conversation with your mother-in-law is the best next step, your husband should take the lead, but you can approach his mom as a united front. Have more vulnerable conversations with his mom (him alone, or both of you together) about how she accepted you and use that as a model for accepting your brother-in-law. It may even help to validate her feelings and address some of the fears she has. She sounds scared and more focused on what’s at stake when everyone knows about your brother-in-law’s relationship (like judgment or ostracization from family or community) than how much this is hurting your family and brother-in-law. Continue to bring the conversation back to your brother-in-law if this is a fear she always brings up. Even more, consider what you can do instead of say. Educate yourself and continuously share resources, like Desi Rainbow, to help her. Consider joining a free support group with her (in the comfort of her home) to meet and normalize the experience of other South Asian American parents with gay kids.

Homophobia is still such a prevalent issue in South Asian families. Your mother-in-law has probably come to find comfort in this division of her family because it allows her to have all the relationships important to her without risking any of them. Challenging that can be painful and difficult and won’t happen overnight.

There may come a point where you and your husband have to decide what you’re willing to tolerate and what behaviors you are willing to engage in to back up your feelings. Talking about it is great, but it’s possible that nothing will come of these conversations. So ultimately, you may decide that you’re going to be joining family functions less, or you may start to spend more holidays with just your brother-in-law and his husband. These actions may speak louder than words and help urge your mother-in-law to confront her current choices. It can also help the both of you step into your role as an ally. Good luck.