Ask Sahaj: I feel pressured by my family’s hopes for my future partner

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Q: I’m a rare bird – I have one Indian parent and one White parent, and I’m also a trans guy who transitioned in youth. By tremendously good luck, many of my family members both in the U.S. and India are supportive of my male life. I’m of “marriage age” now, and my family members are asking and suggesting I try to marry an Indian woman. This greatly surprised me.

I do not appear Indian and am rarely recognized as such by other Indians. Adding in the fact that I am trans, I don’t find it highly likely that I will marry an American-born Desi. (I’m not sure I would ever look within recent immigrants as I am quite American.) It wouldn’t be impossible, but I haven’t pursued that in the past because I believed it was unlikely.

I find these comments challenging. My family wants what they think is best for me and are showing me they consider me a valued and accepted family member (“one of their own”), but I also feel pressured and guilty. I feel guilty for having such an unusually accepting and supportive family, and that I won’t be able to live up to their hopes for me. I feel pressured because I am worried that if I marry a non-Indian, I will be seen as a less valued part of the family, and family ties will weaken. I am looking for help in dealing with these comments.

– Very Lucky Guy

A: I am so glad that your family has been supportive of your transition in your youth. With that said, it sounds like you are navigating the pressure of most Indian American kids – regardless of gender or sexual identity.

It’s not uncommon to feel like your partner choice may be different from what your parents or family wants for you. There are many things you can say in response to this pressure. You may choose to name the pressure you feel with something like, “I feel pressured when you make comments like that, and I would like some time to figure it out for myself.” Or you may broach the possibility of doing something different and gauge how that may be received by saying something like, “It’s possible that I won’t marry someone Indian. Is that something you’d support me in?” If you are comfortable with particular family members, you might be even more direct and say something like, “I am not sure I can see myself with an Indian partner. I’m still figuring it out, and I hope that you can respect this right now.” All of these can help you initiate a productive conversation with your family. But keep in mind, it may require having many conversations, not just this one.

On top of these comments, I’m hearing that your guilt is hard to manage and tolerate. Your gratitude for your family’s acceptance may be compounding your feelings of guilt. It almost sounds like you feel like you owe them for being supportive of your transition. I wrote extensively about learning to regulate guilt in a previous piece. Feeling guilt does not mean you are necessarily doing something wrong. And even more, disappointing your family does not mean you are of “less value” as you fear. As a biracial person, it’s not uncommon to feel disloyal for choosing to maintain one racial or cultural identity over the other. Seek out a professional or find a support group (or an online Facebook group) to discuss this experience with others.

While it’s okay for you to want something different from what your family wants for you, continue to reflect on what you want in a partner and what you may fear in choosing the wrong partner. You say it’s not “highly likely” that you would marry an American-born Desi or an immigrant – what do you mean by that? I’d be careful about painting broad strokes across an entire community. Instead, reflect on if there’s something activating for you when you think about this population or what specific concerns you have.

Ultimately, you want to get clarity on your fears, needs, concerns and feelings to understand yourself better, and subsequently to be able to communicate these to your family. This will only strengthen your sense of self, and allow you to make a partner choice that you can be proud of when the time comes.